Landline Phone Service

I don’t know maybe it’s just me but lately I have experienced some incredibly rude and I guess I would say committed telemarketers calling my home.  They are either taking donations, selling me a credit card, wanting me to enroll in college, or generally trying to get me to do something that there is zero chance I will do.  In fact… I literally just got interrupted while typing this article by a telemarketer.  So in general, I have some of my own favorite ways of getting a telemarketer off of the phone but thought I’d research a few more and pop this full list up for everyone to check out.

Completely Outrageous – Sometimes I am just in a mood for exaggerating and so I’ll lay one of these on the caller:

1. Sorry I am right in the middle of disarming a bomb (RED WIRE or BLUE WIRE!!!!).
2. Yes I do have a minute but have to warn you that my phone could be shutoff at any point during this call as I refuse to pay my bill.
3. I’m sorry there is an alligator in my backyard and I have to use this phone to call animal control.
4. I am right in the middle of committing suicide so don’t say the wrong thing or you might push me over the edge literally.
5. I am trapped in a box that is buried under ground so I’m not going to need your services.
6. I am just about to take off in my hot air balloon, sounds like you might be a gas bag, wanna come?
7. Whoo hoo!  I just won the lottery, they just called my NUMBERS on the TV!
8. I would talk to you but I believe my phone is tapped so I won’t ever be able to safely use it again.
9. I need to use my phone to call the President of the United States and alert him to your great offer.
10. Charlie Sheen and I are about to go crazy with a night on the town and then we are going to rip apart his hotel room, I’m not missing this for anything!

Family Related – If you have a family (okay even if you don’t) you can try these:

1. Queue kids crying (or just let out a whale yourself). Enough said.
2. Have your young child answer the phone and talk to your telemarketer friend (that can be pretty funny).
3. I’m sorry I have to go pick my child up from the school, the park, the anywhere…
4. I was just pulling dinner out of the oven for my family.
5. My son/daughter just spilled a glass of juice on the carpet.
6. Our dog has to go outside right now.
7. My son is learning to use the potty so now like every five minutes I have to take him in there.
8. I’m sorry my daughter needs the phone right now for a teen emergency.
9. Sorry you have to talk to my spouse about that.
10. Baby talk to them just like you would to an infant.

Pure Honesty – Sometimes you just have to say it like it is…

1. Honestly I have time to talk to you I just can’t stand telemarketers.
2. I am on the do not pester (call) list which you obviously ignored.
3. I wouldn’t talk to you if my life depended on it.
4. The sound of your voice makes a blood vessel pop in my head.
5. I can’t listen fast enough to hear all the crap you are rattling off.
6. If I had a dollar for every time one of you called, I might actually be able to afford what you are selling.
7. My time is too valuable to me and you are wasting it.
8. Take me off of your list.  Goodbye.
9. If you would let me get a word in I would tell you, but since you won’t I’ll just hang up now.
10. I’ll listen to your awesome deal if you listen to my sad story about why you are wasting your time talking to me.

Caller-ID Assisted – So if you have caller ID like I do then you know that a telemarketer is about to call so you can use these:

1. If you have the name of the company you can just answer with the name of the company (Chase Bank, can I interest you in a credit card?).
2. For whatever reason I like to pick on pizza companies too so I’ll just answer and say thank you for calling Pizza Hut, may I please put you on hold?
3. Sometimes I’ll do the old Seinfeld bit and pretend to be a movie service.  Thank you for calling Cinemark, the following movies are currently showing… Press 1 for… I did not hear you why don’t you tell me what movie you would like to see.
4. My old standby, just let it go over to the machine or voicemail and avoid the whole situation (weak, but I do it too often).
5. If you are really thinking ahead you can play back a recording from the last time they called you.
6. You can repeat their phone number and let them know you are going to report them to the BBB (make up any old reason).
7. If you are up on all the companies you can pretend to be the CEO or someone important in the company, see if they recognize the name.
8. You can act surprised and say how long it has been since you last chatted and how you are looking forward to catching them up on all the latest.
9. You can play their most recent radio ad or tv commercial back to them over the phone when you pick up.
10. You can 3-way call them to another rep at their company (use the number from caller ID).

Bathroom Related – Okay well this is one of the surest and easiest ways to get them off of the phone.

1. Sorry I am right in the middle of dropping a deuce.
2. Just a simple flush of the toilet can get them off of the line.
3. I can’t believe this still works after I dropped it in the toilet, wow that’s some engineering, eh?
4. I have a really bad case of diarrhea and really got to run.
5. Excuse me I need to go see a man about a horse.
6. Do you think it is rude to talk on the phone while I go to the bathroom (crude noises to follow).
7. Oh man!  I am out of toilet paper you think you can have someone bring me a square or two?
8. Run the tub or shower and let them know you can’t hear them too well over the water.
9. Ask the telemarketer if they installed a phone in their bathroom too.
10. Lecture them on the possible health risks of “holding it.”

Work Related – This works out really well if you are either at work or work from home at times (and who doesn’t do that nowadays???).

1. My boss is on the other line can you call back?
2. I am in the middle of a meeting and can’t talk now.
3. I have to send a fax right now and I only have one phone line.
4. I am swamped with work, can’t talk now.
5. This is a work phone number stop calling me here.
6. If I get caught talking on the phone I could lose my job.
7. I have a client on the other line.
8. My tech support specialist just picked up on the other line, gotta go.
9. Put them on hold with your own muzak while you get the “boss”.
10. Tell them you are writing a list of the 100 best ways to get rid of a telemarketer and see what ideas they might have.

Sports Related – If you are a big sports fan you might try these.

1. Gooooooooooooaaaaaalllllllll!  Soccer game is on gotta run.
2. YES! YES! Whoo hoo!  Awesome score! I can’t believe it! Hang up.
3. Talk about the latest antics of Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, or any of the craziest of crazy sports stars.
4. Ask the telemarketer for fantasy football, baseball, or basketball advice.
5. Bounce a basketball and make it clear that you are playing hoops.
6. Run in place until you get out of breath.
7. Start wheezing and coughing as if you ran too much and have asthma.
8. Start telling the telemarketer about your high school sports glory days.
9. Make it sound like you are in a stadium with thousands of screaming fans.
10. Grunt like you are lifting weights and they are super heavy.

Religious Related – You have to be willing to use your religion for an unintended purpose.

1. Sorry it is time for me to sacrifice an animal to the god of wealth and fortune.
2. Bless you sir, I do have some time if you have some time for me to tell you about my church.
3. It is against my religious beliefs to talk business on a Monday night (during football season).
4. This is the church’s phone number please don’t call here.
5. I’d listen to you, but it’s time for my daily devotions.
6. You’ll have to send a donation to keep talking to me on the phone.
7. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?  Do you want me calling you?
8. I’d like to talk to you but I believe you are the devil.
9. I donated all of my worldly possessions to my supreme leader please call him.
10. If I did have time to talk I’m sure there are better ways I should be spending it helping my family, church, or community.

Medical Related – Again, this is probably borderline unethical but you can try these.

1. Sorry I have to collect my stool sample for the doctor and it is an emergency.
2. Continuously cough as if you are having a terrible coughing fit.
3. Tell them you have a bloody nose and have to tend to it.
4. Tell them you got distracted coming to the phone and cut yourself with a knife that you were dicing onions with.
5. Tell them you just burned yourself taking something out of the oven when the phone startled you.
6. I have to take some medication right now that will put me asleep for a few hours, please call back.
7. Continuous sneezing may do the trick as well if you can make it sound semi-legit especially.  You get extra credit for blowing your nose loudly after each one.
8. Well one that I hear frequently is the old headache excuse but I’d go for a migraine it’s much more effective.
9. I can’t hear, I lost my hearing aid (of course talk loudly).
10. I just got back from the dentist (talk like your mouth is numb).

Annoying – If you really have some time to kill try these:

1. Repeat everything they say back to them.
2. Talk over them non-stop about literally anything.
3. Read a book or newspaper loudly while they are talking.
4. Turn up the music right by the phone and tell them you can’t hear them.
5. Tell them you are hard of hearing and can’t hear them, keep it up.
6. Just bark like a dog the entire time.
7. Talk very loudly in any made-up language you can think of (you can resort to R2D2 Star Wars talk if you must…nerd alert).
8. Talk in pig latin to them.
9. Say everything backwords (literall each word).
10. Just let out a big loud scream.

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